Whose Fault?

So your relationship is over. Now what?

Breaking up is one whale of a challenge. The pain of losing your love is one thing, but the pain of losing what might have been between you is even worse. Asking yourself, “What did I do wrong?” or battering yourself with continual “Why? Why? Why?” is a dead end.

Why do some people want to change themselves to fit with some one that is clearly a mismatch? Like a chameleon, did you change your colours to match your past partner? If you did then that’s where the trouble lies.

The more comfortable you become in the relationship, the less like a chameleon you become. When your ‘true colours’ emerge, the mismatch appears. Actually, that is a really good thing. You don’t want to be with someone who isn’t loving you for who you are, do you?

So, if it isn’t a good fit, and the breakup is ultimately the best thing for everyone involved, why does it hurt so much? Well, it appears that science has found a surprising answer. It seems that the same part of the brain that lights up when you fall in love, also lights up during a breakup.

The first thing that we normally do when things fail is to look for someone to blame. Curiously, it is always the ‘other person’s fault’. It is not easy for us to see our own flaws. Even when we try to find out where we have been wrong, this is difficult, as there is always some area of our behaviour or attitude that we cannot see. It is a blind side that others would have noticed, but most often, not brought to our notice. Even if they did mention it to us, we would probably have brushed it aside as some sort of negative comments made out of jealousy.

Breakups are hard and painful but if your brain is confused and the feelings of pleasure and pain are so close together, it isn’t anyone’s fault. You are in the natural stages of moving on and you will be okay, even though it looks bleak at the moment. Hang in there!

Remember, it is a waste of time to play the blaming game. No matter how much fault you find with the other party, and regardless of how much you blame the person, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making others feel guilty about something by blaming them, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy. Thus, it doesn’t really matter whose fault it is, the important thing is to move on!